PTSD?

PTSD

WARNING:  There will be no ‘war stories’, but it will describe situations that may trigger memories.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (also known as post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event resulting in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,[1] overwhelming the individual's ability to cope.

I have absolutely neither training nor special education in PTSD.  However, I did return from a tour in Viet Nam pretty messed up.  The following discusses the thoughts, experiences, and lessons for me.  I have a feeling that they are similar for those that have served in other conflicts.

First, don’t expect those that have not had the privilege to have any understanding of how you feel and why you act the way you do.  On the other hand, you will feel a brotherhood with others that have (you won’t be able to explain that either).  The bond will be even stronger with those that served with you.

The Turning Point

At some time during your tour, you make a major transition.  It may be subtle over a long period or a life shaking event.  But you become a different ‘you’.  (Don’t laugh)  For me, it was the first time I realized that THOSE BASTARDS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME.  It happened during a 2 AM mortar attack.

That is when I realized that I was a million miles from home and VERY dependent on those around me to make it back.  I immediately changed into a person that analyzed everyone around me at all times to determine their ability to do that.  This is now an inherent trait for me.  If you are near me, I will assess your threat/friendship, mental balance, acuity, aggressiveness, strength, commitments, other friends, etc.  No matter who you are, you are on my radar.

I also lost my innocence.  Even if you peed your pants at that time, you are now a man.  You can’t go back.

My experiences were nothing compared to most of you.  My hat is off to you.  There are so many heroes that have not had the recognition you deserve.  Hero or not, I respect you.

This was  followed by months of 24/7 of constant vigilance and terror.  Your enemies don't necessarily wear black hats like they did in the old western movies.  Some of them are even women and children.  They strike when you least expect it (how do they know that?).  Crowds and traffic jams are especially unnerving.

Coming home

You can’t.

It is very difficult to transition from a battle arena to home.  You can’t just switch it off.  The trip home can even aggravate it—processing out, in-country transfers, international flights/changes, herd-like treatment, uncertainties, etc.  Add the excitement and anticipation to this mix and you end up with quite the adrenaline cocktail.  Realize that what is happening is a normal human reaction.

While you were gone, everything changed.  Not just you.  That will really piss you off.  It is so important to you to return to the ‘real world’ as you remember it.  Even the slightest thing will upset you.  I went ballistic because my wife moved a lamp to the other side of the sofa.  The recliner that she bought for me as a homecoming gift really upset me (it wasn’t there when I left).  A new stoplight was installed!  The TV show that I used to watch was no longer on, but some strange new ones were.  Each and every different change made me really inexplicably MAD.  Where was ‘home’?  Where is reality?

My wife had changed.  My dominant role in the household was filled quite admirably by my wife while I was gone.  Out of necessity, she learned to take care of everything (probably did a better job than me).  She now had a much stronger personality.  She had more confidence.  She looked dynamite.  In spite of the fact that she was actually better (hard to believe), she wasn’t the same and that REALLY made me upset.  My kids had grown a lot and they were so different.  They were initially frightened of me (I understand that better now).

This can have a profound impact on those around you.  My heart aches for the words and treatment that I gave my wife.  I could not have asked for a better wife (I am sure she could write a book about that time as well).  Our young daughters missed me at very critical years in their lives (are there any that are not critical?).  My continual restlessness, insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, and downright aggression must have been hell for them.  This continued for two decades.  I never got the chance to unwind.  I went immediately to my next assignment by transfer followed by major military career changes until I retired.  Thank God that I was able to go to a ‘Making Love Work’ seminar in Los Angeles in 1989 that finally let me come ‘home’ (I called it my ‘heart enema’).  Since that time, I have also found strength and solace in God.

The military handles it a little better now.  They very wisely provide a ‘buffer’ time to allow some battle decomposition.  I have only anecdotal knowledge of this process, but I think it helps.  Oops!  It is time for another tour.

Too many of us are left in limbo.  I wish I could relive those twenty years when I was a functioning zombie.  I held some great jobs, but my life sucked.  My marriage took some real beatings.  I really missed the essence of my three daughters during that period.  I have seen so many veterans go through the whole spectrum of life crap.  I would bet that most of the homeless people have problems that result from these experiences.

Time to decompress.  This is the best term I can find that expresses the situation.

Now What?

[The following is my ‘unqualified, free, overpriced’ advice]

It will be easier to describe what NOT to do.

You are going to be quite ‘pumped’ for a while.  Decisions will be based on some much fueled emotions so don’t make any major life decisions yet.  The sweetheart you left behind?  She is different now.  Get to know yourself AND her better.  The new you and the new her/him may not like each other anymore.  You may like each other even better.  Don’t make any major financial decisions until you can become more rational and less emotional in your reasons.  Wants can appear as needs. 

[IMPORTANT discussion follows]

Too often, you are frankly going to be one very messed up person.  Your swings from anger, hurt, confusion, frustration, and other emotions can lead you down some very slippery slopes.  Your major role will be to avoid doing anything stupid.

If you had a metal shard stuck through your hand, you wouldn’t merely continually apply local anesthetic to keep it numb so that you couldn’t feel the pain.  If so, infection would set in and things would get MUCH worse.  The same goes for the shard in your soul.

Step One

Thank God that you are still alive.  Apparently, He has expectations of further greatness from you.

The next thing you will do is remove the shard from your soul—even if that was very painful itself.  Pull it from your heart.  This is difficult and will be different for each of you.  First you must realize that it is there.  The removal process will be different for each of us.  Various programs may help:  Twelve Step, Celebrate Recovery, and other groups that understand and can help you through the emotions.  I suggest that you find a safe group and place that allows you to express freely your feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, and regrets.  Then, start determining the positive steps for your future.  Don't expect this to be a short term process.

Unfortunately, many of us resort to alcohol, drugs, sex, aggression, crime, and a whole slew of other options to numb our soul.  That just makes things MUCH worse.  As Dr. Phil says, “How has that worked for you?”    

I challenge you to find anyone that says that has been a successful route.  Instead, make a commitment for healing.

Step Two

Accept your predicament.   

You are where you are.  Nothing can change that.   Life may not always be fair.  People may not understand.  They do not have to.

You need to focus on NOW.  One of my favorites:

Yesterday is HISTORY

Tomorrow is a MYSTERY

Today is a GIFT

That is why they call it the PRESENT

Now is the time to draw a line in the sand of your life’s footprints.  Be very selective for each of the elements you WANT from your past and bring it over the line.  If someone is really your friend, invite them over the line.  Supportive family?  Invite them.  Your dreams certainly.

Leave the rest.  There is no obligation.  Of course, it is neither necessary nor advisable to hurt anyone in the process.  If you are not sure, leave them on the other side until you know for sure.

I know it sounds trite, but today IS the first day of the rest of your life.  The slate is clean.  If you want to right some wrongs from the other side of the line, go for it.  Otherwise, look forward.

THIS MINUTE is the only thing you can influence.  Decide which direction you want to go (subject to change later) and put your forces in that direction.  Just as you had to remain focused in battle, keep your focus now.

Step Three

Be willing to ask for help. 

If you are still in the military, many resources are available.  If you are discharged, the Veteran’s Administration has numerous programs and resources as well.  God, the Bible, and the church have helped me immensely.  I can't overstate the Power of God.  He is waiting for you to ask.

Your tendency will be to withdraw from everyone lest they see your soft spots. It is important that you select and build friendships with those that accept you—warts and all (always true, but especially true here).   Not people that abet your weaknesses, but who encourage your healing and growth in spite of you.  Don’t hide yourself from people. 

Your tendency will be to hang with people that are also messed up.  That can be dangerous since you can easily encourage each other to stay on the slippery slope (or even push each other).  That may be one of your motivations for hanging with them.  Try to recognize when this is happening.  You are detrimental to them as well.  Instead, try to understand what is happening and try to determine the actions that will better you both..  If you are not close enough with them to discuss this, you aren’t really friends, but co-conspirators.

Have at least one person in your life that you can really be you--preferably your spouse even though that may be difficult.  Your relationship will be much stronger.  Recognize the people in your life that truly love you.  Let them in on your feelings as much as you can without scaring them.  Treat them with respect and love no matter what may be happening within you.  They can be very important for your healing.

Step Four

Help others.

One of the things that helped me the most was a small group of other veterans at the Making Love Work seminar that could say “I understand what you feel”.   I think my understanding has helped others.  It helps me at the same time.

Your Future

Only you can determine it.

Whatever history you have, be proud of it.  You stepped up and did your best.  You  can stand amongst many great people.

Take ownership of your future.  Recognize and challenge the demons within you.  Use their energy to move you forward instead of impede you. 

Good luck.  May God bless you.